It is time again for the Olympics!! Let’s be honest, it’s harder than ever to feel any modicum of patriotism for this embattled nation. But there is never, never, a time when I won’t be excited for figure skating and curling. The ONLY ice I will support is if DANCER immediately proceeds the word. If you are looking for someone to cheer for, may I suggest Alysa Liu — a world champion figure skater who has come out of retirement at 20 (lol) for one last go. She has cool hair, piercings, and skates to Lady Gaga. Or perhaps Amber Glenn, figure skating’s first out LGBTQ+ woman and world champion! If that’s not enough, think of all the shipping that can be done on a Men’s All Star Hockey Team! Also luge!

Okay this premieres earliest in the month, but I needed you to read my little Olympics tee off first so when you see the title of this show — you will be PRIMED for it. Yes, this is a Netflix sports doc about three ice dancing couples competing for gold — dancing across the ice for gold! Nothing gives drama like ice dancing; remember mega-hot Canadians Tessa and Scott’s Moulin Rouge routine? Well this year, choose your fighters — maybe you will go for Evan and Madison of Team USA, they are married IRL and the favs. Or maybe Piper and Paul of Canada, who have never medalled in the Olympics. OR maybe you are extra spicy and want to back Laurence and Guillaume of France? Without being reductive they are…extremely French (he broke up with his long-time skate partner, and is coming out of retirement with a new girl to try and reclaim glory!)

ANTM pretty much defined my life as a teenager. When you are a 5’8” 14-year-old, with a 5’8” bestie — there is only, ONLY goal in your life — and that is to be recognized for your height and potential for racial ambiguity by THEE Tyra Banks on America’s Next Top Model. Was there a show that better defined the agony and the ecstasy of the aughts? Reality Check purports to dive deep into the show’s scandal-ridden run and I can’t WAIT to see what they pull out. Was it the time Tyra made the girls pose as different races? Or made a girl whose friend just died pose in an open grave? Or maybe it was that time Shandi cheated on her boyfriend in Europe, or when Brittany’s white girl weave started decaying her scalp? Or when she made Melrose pose as both Donald AND Melania Trump? For better or for worse, we will never know television like this again.

Ya okay I know this came out a month ago, but in my defense, I assumed it would be bad. After suffering through the first season of House of the Dragon I had pretty much cancelled my passport to Westeros — but my interest was lured when I heard the absolute best thing I can hear about any show: “it’s only 30 minutes.” And reader, it is. Also, blessedly, it has nothing to do with any battle for ANY of the seven kingdoms, or dragon eggs, or multi-generational incest romances (cue Jimmy from You’re The Worst). It’s just about a would-be knight and his weird bald little friend at a ren faire. AND Daniel Ings is a party boy Baratheon! But Martha, who’s Daniel Ings …. Well, I am SO glad you asked.

Something Old:

Originally, and incredibly, titled Scrotal Recall, Netflix changed the name to Lovesick to make this rom-com more ‘palatable’ and less ‘scrotum associated.’ Cowards! Lovesick follows adorable Johnny Flynn as he calls all of his ex-lovers to tell them he (and potentially they) have the clap. Accompanied by his besties Antonia Thomas (who once accepted my marriage proposal on Twitter) and Daniel Ings (who I just talked about!!!), Johnny has to figure out how to adult, be in love, and overcome the meddling of his pals. Really just an adorable show filled with British actors, and VERY funny. You don’t even have to look at that many scrotums!!

The Guardian’s Peter Bradshaw described this movie as a “BDSM Wallace & Gromit”, and I really can’t think of a more appealing descriptor! A romance between so hot he’s on fire Vampire Eric  dom motorcycler Alexander Skårsgard and glowed-up sub Dudley Dursley. I love all the words I’m typing, like guys, are we in or are we IN?

None of the little ‘a’ modifiers are working on my keyboard, and that’s really been a challenge for these last two entries. ANYWAY, this Spanish film has had a critical darling run at festivals, and is now Academy Award nominated! It follows a father and son going to a rave in the middle of nowhere Morocco, on the search for their lost family member — she got lost at another rave. Raves! Dancing through the end of the world feels extremely appropo!

Do you get that my theme this month is like unconventional love stories? Like, for Valentine’s Day? I feel like Bones and All got slept on a little bit, but I really enjoyed it! Before his big Challenger’s year, Luca Guadagnino used his Call Me By Your Name muse Timmy in this YA adaptation about cannibals! Yes, a YA love story about cannibals! This whole movie is a vibe, and eating people has never seemed so romantic. One of my favorite Timothee Chalamet performances (ya that includes Marty Supreme), and a genuinely terrifying Mark Rylance

Something I always try to remind myself about the creative process, is that at the end of the day you should just write the thing you would want to read. Whether that’s an extremely conversational aughts-style media blog OR a novel about a girl 19th century vampire hunter who frees women from domestic abuse. Take what you love, smash it together, and put it in the world!

Case in point: this is a novel about a sex worker turned assassin. Repeat, a sex worker turned assassin. My girl Catherine Lacey blurbed this with a blurb so blurbalicous that they that they proudly placed it right on top of the book: “Murder Bimbo is Gone Girl for the Luigi Mangione era”. 🤌

Speaking of my girl Catherine, blurber mentioned above. I read her debut novel Nobody is Ever Missing at a… let’s say transformative time in my life. The book follows a young woman, who, fed up and burnt out of her personal and professional life, spontaneously runs away to New Zealand. Definitely not relatable at all. She writes in a beautiful, almost poetic, first person prose that sounds potentially annoying on paper, but I promise is not. Highly recommend to anyone who has ever had the urge to just keep driving into the sunset, or fake their death and start anew. 

Matt Bernstein
Taking the news in is harder and harder these days, but also staying informed is more important than ever. But also the news media is in a rapid decline. Such is the crux of life in the end times. There are a number of political influencers, but I like Matt because he has interesting informed takes. Also his nails are always long and pretty to look at, so there is always that to enjoy at least.